the tabs
the pigs
the room at the top of the stairs


Y o u   K n o w   Y o u   A r e   A   TAB Pig   W h e n :

  1. You'd be richer than Bill Gates if you had a nickel for every time someone asked you, "Leo who?"
  2. You allow other adults to address you by a name that would've started a fight in grade school.
  3. On the way to your sixth Kottke concert of the year, you mock Grateful Dead "Dead-Heads" for being "losers" with "no apparent purpose in life."
  4. At a screening of "Animal House," you're the only one in the theater who cries when John Belushi smashes the guitar.
  5. In a world full of McGwires and Elways and Nicklauses, you choose to idolize a self-described "fruit" from Minneapolis who as a child fell on his head just to see what it would feel like, and then you wonder why he can't remember tunings to his own songs or even whether he wore shoes to a restaurant!
  6. Two words: Airproofing.
  7. You're not embarrassed by discussing fingernails and "right-hand technique" with other men.
  8. Despite enormous pressure from PETA-philes, you can't resist laughing at the "chicken killing" story.
  9. You want to write a song ridiculing schoolchildren for spending $150 on Air Jordan sneakers in their futile attempt to "Be Like Mike," but you can't decide whether to play it on your LKSM-6 or your LKSM-12.
  10.  The bumper sticker on your car reads, "I Oink for Leo."
  11. You drive 500 miles to attend the annual "Weekend At Bernies" (WAB).
  12. Your first travel plan is how many and what type of guitars are you taking.
  13. Your hotel considerations are based on the proximity of Hooter's restaraunts.
  14. You make 15 copies of a new Leo Kottke video.....and you watch each copy as it's being made.
  15. You spend 3 months secretly tabbing a tune only to find out from the other Tab Pigs that Mark Hanson published the tab in Frets magazine 15 years ago. Plus, everyone knew it but you.
  16. You spend another 3 months on a new tune only to find out it is in the wrong tuning.

Rooter : Hey Suz : Bernie